I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize