you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize