i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
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WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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