I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
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i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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