I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
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We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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