You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
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I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
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Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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