every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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