new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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