I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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