HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
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The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
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There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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