Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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