That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize