I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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