...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
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Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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