apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
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We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
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Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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