just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize