I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
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I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
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No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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