if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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