i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
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You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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