My liver just broke up with me...
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
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