The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
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yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
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The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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