This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
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u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
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