You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
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Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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