I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
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accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
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Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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