Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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