What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
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Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
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