last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
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Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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