I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
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If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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