Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
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I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
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You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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