I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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