then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
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No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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