If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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