I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
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Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
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well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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