So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
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my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm always down for nudity.
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