There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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