I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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