Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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