I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
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aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
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we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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