No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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