There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize