I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
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You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
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Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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