I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
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What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
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Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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