so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
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My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
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I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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