He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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