So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
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How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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