i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
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I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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