she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
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Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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