Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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