And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
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I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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