I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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